Background and Inspiration

         

“When educating the minds of our youth, we must not forget to educate their hearts [1].” These inspiring words from His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama are more relevant than ever. While educational attainment in America has increased in the past five years [2], the mental health of America’s youth has steadily worsened [3]. Perhaps American childcare professionals and parents could consider some different methods for educating and caring for children. One way to do this is to analyze and understand methods from other cultures. The research that follows is based on four months of experience in Dharamshala, India, which is home to the 14th Dalai Lama as well as thousands of other Tibetans in exile. Specifically, this research is informed by visits to, as well as interviews conducted at, upper Dharamshala’s Tibetan Children’s Village (TCV), which is a nonprofit, organization and community for Tibetan refugee children. The other firsthand input was informed by direct experiences with a Tibetan family and Rogpa Baby Care Center, both of which are located in McLeod Ganj, a subsection of Dharamshala. Therefore, the following research should not be taken as representative of all Tibetan childcare in exile. Research findings revealed harmony, patience, role-models, and freedom to be important and common themes that are strived for through unique means in Tibetan childcare.

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Harmony Throughout the Whole

 

The role of harmony is foundational to all human relationships. This is especially true in childcare where a harmonious environment is almost always a necessary starting point for any growth. In the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, living in perfect harmony with the Dharma (the ultimate nature of reality) is seen as liberation. However, before achieving this state of existence, one must strive to live in harmony with oneself and others. His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama sees this as a fundamental necessity for a happy life [4]. This principle seems to be especially present in Tibetan childcare. In their book on the Tibetan art of parenting, Maiden and Farwell conclude that harmony is of utmost importance to Tibetans in exile when caring for young children [5]. According to the director of upper TCV, one of the most immediate priorities for the children is harmony [6]. For one Tibetan grandmother living in McLeod Ganj, harmonious relations between the entire family is seen as essential for the children’s health and development [7]. Harmonious relations are a common theme across almost all cultures, but the methodology varies greatly. How does Tibetan childcare strive for harmony?

 

In Tibetan childcare, young children typically are not treated as individuals. Rather, they are considered parts of a whole [5]. In my experience at Rogpa Baby Care Center, I have seen that the harmony of the whole is prioritized over the feelings of individuals. When I first arrived at the center and found a child was crying because another child stole his or her toy I would approach the children with a sense of indignation and give the toy back to whoever had it first, sending the thief off, feeling that they were in the wrong. This usually left one child happy and the other upset. However, when a Tibetan staff member handled a similar situation differently, they would try to remain rather impartial and nonjudgmental as they found another toy so both children would stop crying. They did their best to put aside feelings of individual justice as they smoothed out the disturbance. In doing so, they would attempt to bring harmony back to the room.

 

Sometimes the Tibetan staff’s actions to resolve an issue at Rogpa were similar to mine. We would both get the children to apologize to each other and make up. However, the neutrality of the Tibetan staff member would allow a smoother transition to ensure the equilibrium of the room. There was less of a sense of retribution when resolving conflict, which allowed the children to move on in a productive manner without any lingering feelings of guilt. Similarly, Maiden and Farwell observed that caretakers corrected children “with no tone of reprimand or judgement” and thus the “children took the correction without any sense of humiliation, wrongdoing, or need to act out [5].” Therefore, remaining impartial seems to be a key for upholding harmony in the Tibetan tradition.

 

However, this impartiality is not cold indifference, “it is indifference only to the demands of the ego-self with its craving for pleasure and position, not to the well-being of one's fellow human beings [8].” In Buddhism this is called equanimity and it is fundamental to the practice [9]. It is not unusual for a caretaker to get swept up by their emotions of frustration and favoritism when working with children. Therefore, developing true equanimity should be seriously considered by all who care for children. But how does one develop equanimity while caring for children?

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Patience Through Wisdom

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In Buddhism, patience is one of the virtues necessary for developing equanimity [10]. It is widely accepted that being patient is a virtue, but anyone who works with or cares for children knows how difficult that can be at times. Without patient caretakers the entire atmosphere of the children’s environment will be out of balance. When a caretaker is impatient, they lose the balance in their mind and thus their equanimity. They take the sides of individuals and harmony is lost. Therefore, one must be incredibly patient when caring for children to remain equanimous. However, the Tibetan path to patience is not about understanding that everyone makes mistakes. It is about understanding the true root of the mistakes. The difference here is nuanced, yet noteworthy. According to one Tibetan Buddhist master, “Without proper wisdom, one cannot practice patience [11].” Lobsang, a counselor at upper TCV, also identifies this difference as a deep understanding of cause and effect [12].

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When caretakers look past the individual, they also see the causes and conditions that lead up to any event. This is called karma in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition [13]. When one employs this wisdom of karma in their caretaking with children it can have powerful effects. It can transform a myopic judgement into a much more comprehensive understanding of the situation. In other words, a deep understanding of cause and effect allows a caretaker to be patiently forgiving with children when resolving difficulties.     

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For example, years ago Lobsang used to counsel a very difficult 16-year-old girl at TCV. She would leave the property, steal things, and get into altercations with other students. Lobsang spent lots of time with this troubled girl, always doing her best to understand the various roots of her problems. This girl had a difficult family and living situation, which Lobsang could tell was harmful. They would talk and try different strategies to improve her situation. However, the girl’s academics did not improve much and neither did most of her problems. Yet despite all this, Lobsang knew that just being there for the girl was valuable. She was a comforting shoulder to lean on and an understanding ear to confide in. Without her incredible patience, Lobsang would have given in to frustration. She might have unfairly scolded the girl, which could have hurt her more. Instead, she was able to tolerate and sympathize with all of her struggles. Eventually, the girl moved back to Tibet. Years later Lobsang received a letter of thanks in the mail from this girl. Her personal habits and relationships had begun to improve, and she felt incredibly grateful for the acceptance and love that her old counselor had given her. Lobsang credits this to her knowledge and application of karma [14]. When one acknowledges and understands the causal connectedness of our existence, one can respond to most situations with a patient and thus equanimous mind. Therefore, having a basic knowledge of causality should be seriously considered by all who care for children.

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Once again, I found a principle, patience, that was not unique to Tibetans. Rather, the distinctions were in the specific philosophical methodology. One can also begin to see that these unique methods come together to cultivate harmony. By understanding the complexities of karma and remaining equanimous, a caretaker can be a beacon of patience that dispels the darkness of disharmony. In doing so, they become a true role model for the children.

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Role Models as Teachers

 

His Holiness The 14th Dalai Lama is the spiritual leader of the Tibetan people. Despite the Chinese occupation of Tibet, he has remained peaceful and loving towards all, even the Chinese. He inspires people all across the globe and his exceptional moral qualities are ideals that every Tibetan I have talked to strives towards. Role models give people hope that their ideals are achievable, which helps inspire them to achieve their goals [15]. This dynamic can be seen in Tibetan childcare as well. “Tibetans emphasize teaching children through imitation, memorization, touch, and movement so the full meaning of the material can seep into consciousness intuitively as well as intellectually [5].” During my time with my Tibetan host family, in particular, I saw this manifest in real time.

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For about two weeks, I lived with a Tibetan family in McLeod Ganj. The heads of the house are the grandparents who live with their daughter-in-law and her two children. The boy, Tenzin, is four years old and the girl, Norbu, is eight years old. The grandmother, Pema, told me that all the relationship dynamics of the house were examples for the children to follow, good or bad [7]. Therefore, the adults of the house were almost never visibly upset, even when the grandchildren misbehaved.

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One morning before they left for school, I watched as Tenzin brought out a

box of toys from his room. He walked straight into the living room and turned the

container upside-down, pouring its contents all over the floor, which ended up

partially blocking the main walkway. Sitting nearby and eating my breakfast, I

curiously watched as no one reacted to this display. He began to play with these

toys only minutes before he had to leave for school. His grandmother walked into

the room. Pema stepped through the maze of toys, careful to not step on any, and

gave her grandson a cushion to sit on. He did not say thank you, but the interaction

was about more than mere words. It was about the intention of her gesture. She

modeled unconditional kindness without expecting anything, even a thanks, in

return. Once he started to leave for school his grandfather cleaned the mess up

without any hesitation or frustration. The grandparents were not concerned with

forcing a lesson on him. Instead, they let their actions be examples of virtuous

qualities for their grandchildren to follow. They were wonderful role models.

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Another time, I was playing patty-cake with Norbu. Her little brother came in and started to throw a tantrum because I was not playing with him. Norbu patiently stepped back and let her brother take her spot. After a few seconds she took out a lollipop from her pocket. Seeing this, Tenzin began to cry again. I watched in astonishment as their grandmother promptly came into the room, took the lollipop from Norbu’s hand, and gave it to her brother. Once again, she showed admirable composure and let this happen without any resistance. Later, Pema explained that moments like these are opportunities for her granddaughter to be a role model for her younger brother. Giving Norbu this responsibility seemed to empower her to live up to her ideals. Additionally, after a few licks of the lollipop, the little boy gave it back to his big sister. Thus, harmony was achieved through the patience and equanimity of an outstanding role model.

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By letting Norbu play the role model, Pema skillfully helped her practice patience, which develops equanimity. This led to the restoration of harmony. Clearly, these practices are not separate from each other. Their intermingling allows for a more well-rounded approach to childcare as they support each other. So far, equanimity, patience, and role modeling have been shown to be common and significant practices leading towards harmony in Tibetan childcare. But this is not all.

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The Joy of Freedom

 

Imagine you are at a fancy dinner in a nice hotel. To thank your wonderful hosts who have shown you so much hospitality, you are taking them out to dinner. The young children of these families are running around the long dining table playing games as the adults eat and converse. The time comes for speeches and you do your best to make your voice heard over the cacophony of children running around, laughing, and screaming. Their caretakers do nothing to stop or even quiet the children. This was my reality. There are many behavioral boundaries when it comes to seriously harming others, but this was not causing serious harm in the eyes of the caretakers. The freedom and joy of the children outweighed most adult matters. This was not an uncommon scene for Tibetans. One striking example was at TCV.

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TCV employs the Montessori Method of Education [16]. Freedom is instrumental in the classroom. Three- to six-year-olds are taught together in one circular classroom of about twenty students and two teachers. The role of the teacher is not to direct the children or even to feed them knowledge. They are there for support and assistance. There is a variety of educational materials and resources throughout the room. The children are encouraged to choose something that interests them. As the school’s director notes, “If you give them freedom, they will learn from the heart [16].” This freedom allows the children to foster their innate curiosity and enthusiasm for learning. Based on my observation, the success of this practice was not just theoretical. My classmate, one of our program leaders, and I visited this classroom, guided by the director. All four of us entered their classroom, yet only a few heads turned. The vast majority of the students were diligently and gleefully busy. These children were willingly focused. It was not really work to them. They were playing.

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These children did not need to be told to focus. On the contrary, they did so enthusiastically. Having the freedom to choose what they wanted to learn at any given moment kindled their enthusiasm and love for learning, which cultivated joy and thus harmony. One Dharamshala-based Tibetan school, Petoen, which has strived to blend traditional Tibetan and modern educational practices, recognizes the value of freedom in its mission. The school states that, “Education is not to be recognized as merely grasping what is heard from others. Instead, it is to be recognized as realization of what is heard through the power of self-confirmation and actualization of what is realized through persistent contemplation [17].” Freedom is given to children to help them come to their own realizations. Once again, one can see that freedom and joy also contribute to the development of harmony in environments for these Tibetan children.

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Conclusion

 

Throughout my very limited exposure to Tibetan childcare, I have identified a few significant themes that are common in theory and practice. First and foremost, harmony is the groundwork and goal. Harmony with oneself, the environment, and others is always a priority. Caretakers use four practices to generate and sustain this harmony:

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• Be an outstanding role model for the children.

• Remain equanimous in all situations.

• Be incredibly patient with the children.

• Lastly, the children should be given freedom to cultivate joy and enthusiasm.

 

These practices are interconnected and interdependent. For example, to be a good role model one should be equanimous. To achieve equanimity, one should be patient, which an understanding of karma makes easier.

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All of these principles and practices stem from a rich tradition of Tibetan Buddhist culture, which is more than just a religion. In fact, His Holiness has been a staunch advocate of secular ethics. Separation of church and state does not have to and should not include a separation of academic and ethical education. Recognizing the interconnected nature of everything, Tibetan culture seems to blend the ethical and the academic, the work and the play, the familial and the society. All this happens as they try to preserve their ways of life. Tibetan Children’s Village, Rogpa Baby Care Center, and my host family all emphasized the importance of preserving Tibetan culture and tradition. In their eyes, preserving Tibetan culture and tradition can be beneficial for non-Tibetans and Tibetans alike. By understanding and utilizing Tibetan childcare practices one might possibly help in this preservation for the benefit of many.

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References

 

[1] His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, and Howard C. Cutler. The Art of Happiness. Sydney, N.S.W.: Hachette Australia, 2018.

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[2] Ryan, Camille L, and Kurt Bauman. “Educational Attainment in the United States: 2015.” Educational Attainment in the United States: 2015, March 2016.

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[3] “The State of Mental Health in America: Mental Health America.” mha. Accessed November 23, 2019. https://www.mhanational.org/issues/state-mental-health-america.

 

[4] His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. “Nobel Lecture.” Lecture, Nobel Peace Prize, Oslow, December 11, 1989.

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[5] Brown, Anne Maiden., Edie Farwell, and Dickey Nyerongsha. The Tibetan Art of Parenting: from before Conception through Early Childhood. Somerville, MA: Wisdom, 2009.

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[6] Tsultrim Dorjee (Director at upper TCV), in discussion with the author, November 18, 2019.

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[7] Pema (Tibetan grandmother in McLeod Ganj), in discussion with the author, November 16, 2019.

 

[8] Bodhi, Bhikkhu. “Toward a Threshold of Understanding.” Toward a Threshold of Understanding. Accessed November 19, 2019. https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/bodhi/bps-essay_30.html.

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[9] His Holiness the14th Dalai Lama, Jinpa, Thupten, and Christine Cox. Path to Bliss: a Practical Guide to Stages of Meditation. Ithaca, NY: Snow Lion Publications, 1991.

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[10] Buddharakkhita, Acharya. “Dhammapada”. Access to Insight. Buddhist Publication Society.

 

[11] Konchog Gyaltsen Rinpoche, Khenpo. “Quotations on: Patience.” Patience, forbearance. Accessed November 20, 2019. http://www.viewonbuddhism.org/dharma-quotes-quotations-buddhist/patience.htm.

 

[12] Lobsang (Counselor at upper TCV), in discussion with the author, November 20, 2019.

 

[13] RINPOCHE, SOGYAL. TIBETAN BOOK OF LIVING AND DYING. Place of publication not identified: RIDER, 2017.

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[14] Lobsang (Counselor at upper TCV), in discussion with the author, November 20, 2019.

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[15] Darling, Nancy. “I Could Do That: Why Role Models Matter.” Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers. Accessed November 21, 2019. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/thinking-about-kids/201205/i-could-do-why-role-models-matter.

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[16] Tsultrim Dorjee (Director at upper TCV), in discussion with the author, November 18, 2019.

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[17] “Vision.” Petoen School. Accessed November 23, 2019. http://www.petoen.com/?page_id=186.